Okay - don't laugh. I have strict instructions to find out who I am. A simple command loaded with all kinds of unintended (and "intended") consequences. Now that mothering has me on part-time hours, if that, I have the time to explore things I always wanted to do without interruption. That's the easy part - as far as "things" go, I'm discovering a whole other side of me that is creative instead of "administrative". Makes that BS in Finance look a little useless now. I've discovered I love writing (eyes right for my 1st self-published book under a pen-name, of course, because I live near relatives now), I've created a bracelet line I'm taking to a fair in October for the first time, and I am awesome when it comes to floral design (see below).
Like I said, the "things" were easy to figure out - the people, not so much. This new stage in my life has given me lots of time to really observe and digest my relationships with people who were in my life when it was careening out of control for the past 20 years. I'm also finally in a part of the world I love - my native Connecticut - and I at least feel more relaxed in my surroundings. But back to the people. Many of the "core" people in my life who were supposed to have my back, didn't. Even though I'm pretty much a go-along kind of girl, I'm at a point in my life where just "going with the flow" is more like "going over the waterfall". I am in danger of just shrugging along the rest of my years, acting very much as if I have another life to get it right in the event I don't grow some cajones in this one to tell people the uncomfortable truth about me and them.
I know I have to do some hard things in the near future if I'm truly looking to "find myself". Stay tuned. I fear it will be a rocky ride and can use all the support I can get.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
"Gray skies are gonna clear up..."
This was the year I was supposed to finally figure out who I really am - not the high honors student my parents wanted me to be, not the sex goddess my husband expected me to be nightly (ok - annually) and certainly not the Mrs. Cleaver I know my son was just hankering for me to be. Epic fail in all three categories. However, in a pass-fail kind of way I did okay in every category - I just did not exceed expectations. But the reason is - they were never MY expectations to begin with.
I'm in the middle of prepping my parents' home to eventually sell, altho since my father was a classic hoarder and lived in said house for over 45 years, so it ain't your typical clean-up. My siblings are both having major surgery before the end of the year. The Teen is attending college but living at home (I know I'm saving thousands in room & board, but some days - like today - it just doesn't seem worth it!). They do not stop being snotty know-it-all jerks at 15 - that's just a warm-up session. And the Husband, well, suffice to say for the time being that emotionally we seem to be in different time zones.
I know, I know - come down off your cross, we sure could use the wood. Agreed. I had a couple of good months where I was able to tune out all this static, lose a few pounds and self-publish a novel. The thing is I need to lose more than a few pounds and figure out what I want to do next - not for anyone else but me. Again, I know it sounds selfish and my Catholic guilt is kicking in big time, but this is something I need to succeed AND exceed at because I'm sick of putting on a happy face when it's the last thing I'm feeling.